


The Days He Wore Black

by CalicoPudding



Category: Death Note
Genre: Depressed Near, Depression, Dissociation, Mental Health Issues, Post-Canon, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-01
Updated: 2016-04-09
Packaged: 2018-04-29 08:15:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 14,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5121323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CalicoPudding/pseuds/CalicoPudding
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Kira case is over and done with. L, the real L that is, he's dead. So is Mello. And Matt to. Near has been left on a mantle that was not his to take, he's the last successor, the last detective to ever come out of Wammy's House given the orphanage's track record with that sort of thing. So, what now?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

Finding Linda hadn't taken as long as Near had originally predicted. She had stayed in California, but in the Sacramento area instead of Los Angeles. She ran a small crafts shop and held art classes over the weekend for young children. She was doing pretty well for herself.

When Near called her, she hung up the second she heard his voice. Near wasn't very surprised. The next day, around noon, she called back with a rough apology, still mad at him. Linda had kept tabs on the Kira investigation, despite her pretense otherwise, and she knew that Matt and Mello were dead.

"I wish to hold a proper funeral for them," Near had said.

He'd been unable to get Matt's body repossessed and Mello had burned to ashes. However, he was able to claim the orange goggles and Halle had managed to find the partially melted crucifix from Mello's rosary.

"I'll catch the next flight to London," Linda had replied, "Leave the organization up to me."

That had been the extent of their conversation.

Near sat in the terminal waiting area, staring at his favorite robot. Usually, it was appealing, acting out a scenario from an old case or something similar. But on this particular day, Near saw only a shaped hunk of metal and plastic. Rester and Halle sat on either side of him, Gevanni was still getting his passport checked over by the woman at the counter.

Linda had emailed him a brief overview for the joint funeral. Holding it at Wammy's was a given, and she'd planned for them to be buried in the same clearing that A had been buried in all those years ago. Near wasn't sure how Linda knew that particular fact, but he suspected that she harassed Roger until he told her. He remembered A, it was a hazy memory but nevertheless, Near remembered A being incredibly kind.

When it came time to board the plane, Near pushed himself up to his feet and shuffled alongside Halle. Walking really was a pain, he'd inherited a physical ailment from his mother that, apparently it ran in the family. His knees would often swell up because the bones didn't fit together very well. He could manage the short walk to the plane, that didn't mean he enjoyed it though.

There were no words traded amongst the former SPK members during the flight. Halle kept herself occupied with a book while Gevanni slept and Rester listened to some opera soundtrack. Near kept his window shade up, staring blankly at the world below him.

Things were different now.

Kira was gone, the task force found his bleeding body on some warehouse staircase. The SPK, though disbanded at the time, was no longer needed. Though it wasn't public knowledge that Kira was dead, once people realized that criminals had stopped dying, the crime rate was slowly rising all over the world. There was no one left now. Kira was dead. Mello was dead. Matt was dead.

L was dead.

Had Near really won then? Was being the last one standing really worth it if it meant he was truly alone? Of course, he had Halle and Rester and Gevanni, but they were subordinates, they were not the people that Near spent his childhood with.

While his fond memories of Mello had diminished as the years dragged on, he could still remember, quite clearly, a time when Mello actively sought out his company for games like chess or poker. Matt had always been cordial with him, giving him a friendly pat on the back or shoulder if he happened to walk by. They both matched him intellectually and Near had long suspected that, of the three of them, Matt was actually the most intelligent. He just never applied himself enough. Either that or the red head wanted to keep his relation with Mello and didn't want to jeopardize that by stealing the coveted first place.

But the two were gone now and Near sat atop a throne that didn't fit him, a legacy that wasn't his. The Legacy of l. It was certainly not his to claim. L had never chosen a successor. His working with Mello would have benefitted all involved. Hell, the only reason Near had been able to end Kira's rein was because Mello and Matt. He was nothing without those who had died to bring Kira down.

The road before would certainly be a lonely one.

Linda picked him up from the hotel. Halle, Rester and Gevanni would be staying behind. As it hard as it might be to believe, even Near held Wammy's in special regards to his heart and knew it would be inexcusable to bring in outsiders.

After helping Near into a black suit, Linda offered to piggy back him to the clearing. The offer was accepted without hesitation seeing as it was quite a walk and he wasn't sure if his legs would be able to make it. Near tried to avoid thinking how strange it was that he, an almost twenty year old man, was accepting a piggy back ride.

It had been previously agreed that only Linda and Near would be in attendance. Wammy's House was dwindling in child prodigies now, and those that were currently there, hardly knew Matt or Mello. The ones that had were in the wind and Near didn't want to share something like this with them.

The grave was small, as it only had to hold two tiny boxes. Near handed over what remained of Wammy's second and third. Linda placed Matt's goggles into their designated black box and Near placed the crucifix into the red one. Together, they buried the boxes and smoothed the grave over until it looked neat. Linda pulled a stone from her pocket and placed it at the head. 'Mello and Matt' were painted in neat black letters.

"I don't need to say my goodbyes to a grave, they already know how I feel," Linda rested a hand on his shoulder, "I'll wait by the tree line until you're done."

Near waited until Linda was out of sight before he turned to the grave.

"I'm sorry," he said, hating the monotonous way his voice sounded. Taking a slow breath, he continued.

"I would have liked to work with you, the both of you in fact, but now I realize that no matter what, that will never be an option. For what it's worth, your sacrifice was not in vain. Kira is gone, that's due mostly to the two of you. Truly, I am very sorry for the fact that it cost you two your lives."

Near wanted to say more, but he couldn't bring the words to his lips so he resolved to stare silently at the ground.

Linda approached a few minutes later and crouched down so he could get onto her back. The return trip was made in silence. Near refused to reenter Wammy's House so Linda sat with him on the side of the main road until Rester arrived.

"Goodbye, Near," her tone made it clear that she expected to never see or hear from him ever again.

She had every right to wish that.


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, this was supposed to be up earlier but I'm swamped in school work. I've got like three essays due tomorrow, and a test, so yeah. Anyways, I'll try to get whatever I can uploaded tomorrow after school and hopefully the others will be up Saturday and Sunday, that's the plan anyways. For those of you who have read this before, the later chapters probably won't be the same as you remember, I'm tweaking some stuff

Near knew they were casting him strange looks. He could feel it from behind his wall of legos. He'd only recently finished a serial killer case yesterday, what more did they want? Usually, he'd be looking for a new case already but Near had made no move to search, he'd not dipped into police databases to find a cold case or checked in with some of his informants to see if there were any puzzling cases.

He'd done none of that, choosing instead to keep building.

But really, what did they expect?

His drive was gone. He didn't wasn't to solve any cases any time soon. There was no will. No burning ache in the base of his skull to motivate him to do good. It had all disappeared.

In his hands were the puppets he'd made of Mello and Matt. He'd yet to put them away with the others, choosing instead to store them in his shirt pocket whenever they weren't out. He rolled them between his fingers and sighed.

Scooting across the floor, he dug up a small kit from the bin that Rester kept beneath the main desk. Near had left a pathway open behind the legos so he could have somewhat easy access. The kit contained everything he used to make the puppets and other figurines. There was something about the two puppets that didn't seem quite right.

Near spent the rest of the day creating and painting the new puppets.

Eventually, Halle got into his lego walled fortress and crouched down beside him.

"We're calling it a night, Near. There are come cases that we had faxed over, take a look at them," she said softly but sternly.

"Right," Near replied shortly.

Halle sighed and ran a hand through her hair before standing and holding a short whispered argument with Rester and Gevanni at the other end of the room. Near wondered if they thought he couldn't hear them.

He didn't peek over his wall until he was one hundred per cent sure that they were gone. He began slowly taking apart all of his structures, setting his figurines and puppets in their respective spots. After scooting around the floor for two hours in an attempt to tidy up, Near had everything in its proper place. His room was just off the hall so he hoisted himself into a rolling chair and pushed himself across the floor.

He didn't want to sleep though. He hadn't slept in the past five days and usually he would at this point. But he didn't want to, not anymore. He wasn't tired, it was that simple. He wasn't tired, wasn't hungry, hell, he didn't even feel sad.

Just empty.

Yes, that was the word to describe it. Mello had always made fun of him, called him a robot because he never expressed his emotions. In truth, Near felt, he felt as much as the next person. It just didn't translate onto his face or into his actions or words very well. Happiness didn't turn into a smile, sadness wasn't a frown, and he'd probably end up hurting himself if he attempted to yell when he was angry.

Near couldn't do things like that. Half of the time, he didn't know what he was feeling simply because he couldn't put a label on it.

This time thought, this time it was amazingly obvious. He was empty.

His drive to dole out justice had been dwindling for a while now; it had taken him a short while to notice it. The time he took to solve cases was growing longer and longer with each one he took on. He was still faster than all the others, but it was a knock to his esteem when he exceeded L's longest case time. The Kira case was excluded from that particular crop of data.

Some detective he was.

The small cell phone on his dresser caught his attention. It was a clunky thing, Halle had given to him in case he needed to call one of them. There were only four contacts, including Linda. After debating with himself for a number of minutes, Near flipped open the phone and dialed Roger's personal number.

"Near?"

"Hello, I was wondering if you would be able to do me a favor."

Halle had learned on her fist day in Near's employment that the kid was eccentric. He had his own methods, questionable though they may be, he had little plots in his little head that he didn't share. Near had issues and personal demons, he kept those contained rather well.

She'd learned not to question anything.

Since returning from the joint funeral almost a month ago, Near had been even more standoffish than usual. He didn't talk out loud when acting out a theory for a case. He didn't ask them to do much of anything anymore. There were long breaks between cases and Near avoided them for as long as possible before reluctantly selecting one at random.

Halle had her own theories. Guilt seemed the most likely. Near felt guilty about the death of Matt and Mello. That had to be it. But she had her doubts, it seemed unlikely given Near's track record. He didn't feel guilty when Mello killed their colleagues, or when Gevanni could have died when he went to get the Death Note from Mikami.

Near was impassive, he was detached. The emotions that filled normal human beings didn't apply to him. It made him a good detective, in theory anyways. He was able to keep a level head in troubling cases and he was able to see the most direct route to solve it.

But Near wasn't a good human. Good humans didn't automatically think about using human decoys, they didn't believe that those working under them were nothing but pons, easily replaced should they get damaged.

But certainly, there was some legitimate thing that was troubling Near. It kept him from being the superhuman that was L. It was worrisome. The young man spent most of his days in his room or behind an artfully built wall of legos. He played with his robots, not acting out cases, he was actually just playing with them. He'd remade a number of his puppets, scrapping them and starting anew. Mello and Matt were redesigned, Near did away with the scar spanning Mello's face, made him look younger, and Matt was smiling. A new puppet named Linda looked somewhat angry but Near had taken to keeping her in his pocket with Mello and Matt.

Near burned the L mask with a lighter and dumped the melted plastic into the trash.

He barely spoke to them outside of short orders pertaining to the cases that were few and far between. He didn't talk to the police they worked with and instead had Rester use the voice modifier. He wasn't eating, hardly at all, he didn't eat much anyways but a small snack every other day or so…

Halle was worried.

Near wasn't the easiest person on the planet to talk to, she couldn't very well sit down and have a nice, structured conversation.

Sighing, Halle cast a look over her shoulder. Near was beginning to build another structure within his wall. They'd recently finished a case in which a small cult of Kira supporters had risen up and wreaked havoc for a couple of days. Near had attacked the case with a level of aggression that shockingly reminded Halle of Mello. Within the week, Near had completely obliterated the group and its sparse branches, putting them all on death row once he'd finished.

The structure Near was building was reminiscent of a church. Halle regarded it with a raised brow, Near wasn't religious. There was a miniature cross sitting atop it, but Near had placed an assortment of figures all around. Mello and Matt were balanced on the roof, Linda sat on the lawn, and Near himself was isolated on the porch. A number of half finished, faceless puppets were scattered around as well.

Halle finished her paperwork and waved Rester and Gevanni ahead. The three of them stayed on the floor below and retired there when they were done for the day. Pushing away from her desk, Halle carefully wove her way through the lego fortress. As usual, she crouched down a few feet away and waited until Near's body language showed that he was at least semi-aware of her presence.

"Near? We're leaving now, try to sleep okay?"

She felt like a mother talking to a petulant child.

After a few moments, Halle stood up and left. She knew that Near would probably be right there when they came in the next morning.


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have I mentioned how much I hate school, because I hate it, getting up at five is too freaking early. Anyways, here's chapter three, I'm really tired and I already screened for typos but I'll go through it again tomorrow after I've slept for a bit. I'll try to get chapter four up sometime in the afternoon because I'll be at a Halloween party during my usual update time.

It was Rester knocking on his door. Near had long since memorized each of the three adults' knocks. Halle's was no nonsense, three quick raps on the door before entering five seconds later, regardless of if she received permission. Gevanni knocked softly, it was polite, he knocked in some sort of pattern, it changed on a weekly basis but at least he waited for permission to enter. But Rester's was strong, he put too much force into two almost punch like knocks.

Near gave a quiet call for entry, fearing that Rester would accidentally break down the door.

"We received a package, Halle already had it checked for explosives, were you expecting a delivery?" he asked. Rester was obviously curious, the box was nondescript, with no return address, simply an 'N' in the top left corner.

"I was, yes, you can leave it there."

Near gestured vaguely to his nightstand from beneath his covers. The only visible part of him was a tuft of hair.

Rester put the package down and left without a word though he was certainly going to report Near's apparent lethargy to Halle.

Near rolled out from under the mountain of blankets and pulled the package into his lap. He took his time picking apart the tape that held the thing together. It had been a week with no cases and the incoming basket of faxed requests was close to overflowing. But still, Near refused to look at any of them and it frustrated Halle to no end.

He wouldn't take up a case, not yet anyways.

Halle had been almost relentless in her attempts to get him to take a case, stopping just short of kicking down the lego walls in the main operations room the day before last. Gevanni had dragged her out and then the two of them returned a little over an hour later with lunch.

Near didn't eat.

Inside the box was a set of black pajamas, they used to be Mello's before he left Wammy's. They would fit Near though, for once his inability to grow taller was an advantage. Roger had been absolutely puzzled about the request but it was somewhat, not really, understandable. Near owned no black clothes for mourning, aside from the black suit he wore to the funeral but that was not for every day use. Besides, it was stiff and Near liked his clothes to be comfortable.

He'd read up on some psychology text books and came to the conclusion that using Mello's clothes might give him closure of some sort.

Or not.

Near held the shirt to his face, breathing in deeply. It smelled like what he supposed Mello smelled like. The last time he was all leather and gun oil and cigarette smoke, the latter of which was most likely as a result of being with Matt. But a younger Mello had worn this shirt and it smelled understandably like chocolate and something that Near would have to call determination. Despite the fact, he slipped it on. The sleeves fell past his finger tips but it fit well otherwise.

Once completely changed, he picked up a small stack of faxed cases that Halle had pointedly dropped off earlier that day. Really, she'd thrown open his door and slammed the files onto his nightstand, declaring that if he didn't pick one by the end of the day she was going to dismantle his legos and melt them down so he couldn't use them.

Maybe he would be able to work better now.

* * *

Near managed to solve nineteen cases in one month before the feeling of emptiness returned ten fold.

The others hadn't mentioned his change in attire, it seemed that they were just happy he was working well again. If he'd chosen to dress in black now, that was his choice.

But now, after a few washes, the shirt no longer smelled like Mello, the puppets were starting to fade faster than Near had anticipated and he began to feel lonely again.

Lonely, what an odd notion for him. He'd never felt lonely before. He grew up alone, sure, he had a few friends along the way. But when they inevitably left, Near had felt indifferent. People left, that was just something they did, Near didn't mind. Arriving at Wammy's had been somewhat similar. No one really wanted to be friends with the kid in white who couldn't carry a conversation to save his life and still played with toys. Linda had been nice but Near didn't think she would enjoy his company had he actually accepted her invitations to play. She definitely wouldn't now. His only other interactions were with Mello and Matt. He'd even met L a small number of time, being in the top three had its perks.

Unlike Mello, he'd not quite idolized L. But he certainly respected him. A man who solved so many cases. A man who stopped world war three from happening when he was just a kid. What was Near compared to that?

He had tried, strived to be like him. Someone who was detached, who could look at a problem with no emotion so that the answer would be as clear as possible. Near scored the highest because he knew he could be someone like that. Someone who wielded power, whose name struck fear into criminals around the world. Someone whose job was to solve puzzles, to study people, and to do good.

That drive was dead now.

Near just wanted someone on par with him, someone who he could talk theory with, who was unpredictable. He wanted a complimenting comparison, someone who could match him and who he could relate to. Near wanted someone to tell him that had done good. That he wasn't a disgrace.

Mello and Matt were dead, they weren't coming back. Neither was L. No one was.

There'd always been someone there, whether they were with him, or against him. But there had always been someone. Until now, when there wasn't.

So Near went back to building lego walls and lying about on the floor. He went back to ignoring Halle, Rester, and Gevanni and their concerned looks. Near ignored everything. He walked his robots back and forth across the floor, he solved Rubik's Cubes until he was almost ninety per cent sure that he'd be able to solve it while asleep. He built new figures, these were of people he'd seen in passing, on surveillance cameras, in the edge of a T.V. screen during a debate. He had politicians as well.

"Near, you need to solve come cases. I know you may not be feeling up to it at the moment, but people are starting to whisper about L's incompetence."

Rester's outburst came when the fax basket finally overflowed. Halle had left in a huff some twenty minutes ago to discharge her gun at the small shooting range within the building. Gevanni had been trying to get Near to eat for the past twenty four minutes and the sudden shout made him jump.

Near scrambled back when he saw Gevanni drop the drink glass, not willing to let it stain Mello's shirt.

The glass shattered and Gevanni swore before quickly cleaning up the mess, apologizing repeatedly until Near set a small hand on his shoulder. Rester was still at the fax machine, a white knuckled grasp on the table.

"Look, I get it, but I know for a fact that you can still solve cases faster than the other lead detectives, even if you are out of it. This is L's title here, you can't just stop being him, or Coil, or Deneuve for that matter," he said shortly.

Now that, that struck a cord inside him.

Was he really letting L down by not taking cases. L had been particular but he'd solved so many, even during the KIra case. Yes, it seemed that Near was definitely letting down L, and his title, by not working through this little issue of his.

With a heavy sigh, Near held out his hand, waiting. Rester seemed to get the message and handed him a few papers.

"I think this one is top priority," he said, "There have been a string of murders in Virginia, in the Roanoke and Salem areas."

Near allowed his eyes to roam over the paper, picking out only the necessary information. There were six victims but the local police and investigators were no closer to solving the case, even as the body count rose. The victims were all over the map, race, sex, and age, none of it was the same. They were all Virginia locals except for one who moved from Germany and another from California. There were four male victims, two female, none had been murdered in pairs and there no obvious way to tie them together with the information he had.

"Right, book the soonest possible flight. I will do my best," Near said quietly.

Gevanni heaved a sigh of relief and immediately called Halle to tell her the good news. The look in Rester's eye was pride, Near could see that very clearly.

Even if he didn't feel like solving cases, he had to.

For L.


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to preface by saying that this would have been up earlier but I was playing Pokemon Crystal online, can you blame me?
> 
> Anyways, here is Chapter Four. For whatever reason, I assumed that the SPK HQ was settled in New York but then after the raid and the whole warehouse thing, I don't know where the hell they went and in one story, I had them based in New York but then in the original draft for this story, they were in LA for whatever reason. I don't know. For story purposes, they're still staying in the New York City area. I can't remember if it was ever stated in canon where they were based, if anyone knows and wants to tell me that'd be cool.

Halle helped him pack.

Mello's pajamas had lost their scent so Halle had gone out and bought nearly identical sets for him. Near had folded Mello's clothes and placed them safely in a small box he kept in his dresser. Due to Near not having much travel experience, the Kira case notwithstanding, and the current cold temperatures in Virginia, Halle had also taken the liberty of purchasing some thermal sets and a thick coat for him. Even if he didn't go outside much, there would be transitional periods and he didn't fancy being cold.

Whatever room left in his main suitcase was filled with miscellaneous packs of dice, cards, spinning tops, and the like. Halle had managed to get his robots, figurines, and puppets to fit in a single carry-on bag before shoving hygiene produces into a plastic case and wedging it between his clothes.

Earlier that morning, Halle got him to eat half of a granola bar and small cup of milk, but it was approaching noon and she didn't know if she had it in her to force the young man to eat something again. Usually she left that bit to Gevanni, the soft spoken man was usually able to coerce Near into eating a small sandwich, but he was helping Rester pack everything else.

"Halle," Near's voice came as a surprise, he'd yet to speak since accepting the case from Rester the night previous.

"Yes?"

"I've been running scenarios through my head all morning and none of them end how I want them to, but I've been told that I have a tendency to overlook certain angles," he paused a moment, pushing himself up until he was more or less sitting, "Do you think there was a way to win, without their deaths?"

Near hadn't said their names out loud. It was always 'their' death, 'their' funeral, I've been thinking about 'them'.

"I don't think so, taking out Takada was a turning point in the case, we were in no position to do so. Removing Takada from the equation threw everything out of balance, especially because of the way it was carried out. I suppose the only way they would have survived was if we took them into a sort of protective custody but Kira would not have-"

"Right, thank you, Halle."

The cut off was cold, much sharper of a tone than Near usually used. Perhaps he didn't like anyone else talking about 'them'.

Halle took his things downstairs and left Near to shuffle himself out. If he wanted someone to help him, he'd ask, otherwise he'd attempt to prove himself. Near refused to at least consult with a physical therapist and opted instead to suffer in silence and grit his teeth through the pain until he fell down. Rester was usually the only who ended up carrying him, as it happened, a piggy back was the least demeaning. Once, Gevanni had to push him in a wheelchair.

Near had not been happy about that.

* * *

They split into two teams, and sat apart from each other. Near and Rester took the first flight while Gevanni and Halle would take a second flight a few hours after.

Near was seated beside a young girl who appeared to be flying unaccompanied, though he wasn't terribly annoyed by her, she had the window seat and she was completely preoccupied with looking out it, even though they were still grounded. Rester was worse off, sandwiched between two older men who reeked of cigarette smoke and sweat.

When the plane finally began to move, the girl gave a frightened squeak and clutched at the arm rests. She had a small pack at her feet, bright pink with Hello Kitty's face emblazoned on the front pocket. The stewardess came by to make sure the girl was alright and Near tipped his head back.

He'd reviewed more of the case details on the drive because Halle had shoved the papers in his face and threatened to take away hi carry-on unless he did as she said.

Despite the physical differences, the coroner's report for each victim was nearly identical. Each had an alarming amount of Oxycodone in their system, they weren't malnourished or dehydrated. They suffered more or less the same injuries, broken fingers and varying numbers of disconnected joints. There was a lack of open wounds, aside from the occasional scratch. But there were plenty of bruises, they seemed to increase with each body.

With a sigh, Near rubbed at his eyes.

Melissa, according the tag on her backpack, was quietly playing with a couple of Barbie dolls, sipping a cup of apple juice that the stewardess had brought by.

"Mister," she whispered, poking his shoulder with the hand of her doll.

Near made a noise to tell her he'd heard her, but he made no effort to move.

"Are you old? Your hair is white, I've only seen old people with white hair. You don't look old though. But you've got to be because you've got white hair."

Opening his eyes, Near assessed the girl before him. Melissa had glasses, suspended on a decorative chain. Her hair was a shocking red, pulled back into pigtails. Her front teeth were crooked and a light smattering of freckles stretched across her cheeks and nose. She was dressed in a sweater that was several sizes too big and worn hand me down jeans. She was small but there was something glimmering in her eyes.

Near recognized it as intelligence.

"I'm not old," he said shortly, "I don't know why my hair is white."

"Hmm, that's strange, do either of your parents have white hair?" Mello asked, setting her dolls on the pull out tray.

"No."

"That's strange," she repeated, "I have my mama's hair, my dad is blond. That's why I'm flying actually, to visit my dad."

"How old are you?" Near asked.

"Nine."

They touched down somewhere in Pennsylvania, half of the plane emptied only to be filled a moment later by new passengers. Melissa spoke up again.

"Why are you going to Virginia?" she looked at him expectantly, fiddling with the hem of her sweater.

"Business."

"Don't business men wear suits? You're dressed in pajamas," she giggled.

"That- that's a good point," a light grin tugged at his lips and Near found that confusing.

When the plane was up in the air again, Mellissa offered him one of her dolls. Near declined the offer but dug around in his carry-on for Optimus Prime. Melissa was seemed thrilled at the prospect of robots and begged Near to let her use one. She put away her Barbie dolls and chose a Decepticon from Near's collection.

He played with Melissa for the majority of the flight, a little awkward as he was now playing with someone else. Melissa seemed to sense that he was distracted and pulled out a little riddle book from her bag. She was fascinated by his ability to solve them so quickly and demanded she give it a try.

"What has an eye, but cannot see?" Near read the first riddle on the page and Melissa scrunched up her nose as she thought.

"Oh! It's a needle!"

"Good, how about a harder one now. There are two sisters: one gives birth to the other and she, in turn, gives birth to the first. Who are the two sisters?"

Near expected her to be stumped for a while, the riddle certainly wasn't all that easy, especially not for a nine year old. But Melissa only grinned.

"That's easy, it's day and night."

As the plane landed, Melissa held out her hand for him to shake.

"It was nice to meet you, not old man," her smile was wide, showing off her dimples.

"You as well, Melissa," he didn't really want to shake her hand so he took a gentle hold on her index finger and thought that good enough.

When he stepped off the plane, he ended their short lived friendship.

Near rejoined Rester at the terminal and he didn't see Melissa.

They drove to the hotel and Rester began setting up their equipment while Near looked around for a spot on the floor where he could work. He sat down slightly off center of the room and began laying out his files. Rester printed off the updated data that the police had emailed him.

There was a few hours before Halle and Gevanni would arrive.

Near spent the next hours memorizing details of the case and formulating loose theories, profiling the killer, that bit was the hardest. His victim pool covered nearly all the bases and he had to focus instead on the state of the bodies, their state in death. Each victim was well kept, aside from the obvious damage, and the fact that they were absolutely overflowing with painkillers. What purpose did breaking their fingers serve? To keep them from attacking him or her? That could easily be solved by tying them up or using duct tape, there was no rope burns or tape residue. Of course, their disjointed bodies would keep them immobile, but why go to such an extreme?

Leaning away from his little set up, Near took a moment to breathe. The case should be textbook, the killings happened in a cycle, a body wouldn't turn up until another went missing. They were disposed of in a way that showed some degree of remorse. Each of the bodies were found in a rather public place, a park, a subway station, the post office, meaning the killer wanted them found quickly. They were half way taken care of, nourished and hydrated. And with the amount of Oxycodone in their system, they were spared the pain of being disjointed.

It was all kinds of curious.

"Experimentation," Near whispered.

He looked around, surprised to see that it was dark outside. Rester sat on the couch, two pairs of shoes sat near the door, so Halle and Gevanni were back.

Rester looked at him in confusion.

"What?"

"The killer, they're experimenting with each body, like B was."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually used to fly unaccompanied for long time and they always gave me the window seat and they tried to sit us next to other minors or younger people. I met a lot of pretty cool people that way, Melissa is based on one of them but her physical description was made for story purposes.


	5. Chapter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry, this was supposed to be up a number of days ago but school as been kicking my ass. Hopefully, I'll get chapter six up by Saturday or Sunday, that is the hope. For those of you who read this the first go around, I'm gonna start changing things around a bit. And, just in case it wasn't obvious, but I can see that it might not be, Near is experiencing a type of on again off again depression. It stays but can be pushed back if there is something important enough going on to or for the person. But it will get worse as the story goes on and it will get more obvious.

There was so much he had to do. So many facts swirling around, just waiting for him to grab them, put them in order. He needed to solve the puzzle. But he didn't want to. In fact, Near didn't want to do anything at all. He wasn't exactly content, lying in the hotel bed with a number of files sitting beneath his legs, but he wasn't going to move.

The others hadn't woken up yet, it was only four in the morning and Halle was a right devil if she was woken before six. So Near could enjoy his apathy and lethargy for a little while longer.

No new bodies had turned up, no one new had gone missing, and Near found that he honestly couldn't care less. Should he care that the case wasn't being solved? Probably. Should he be concerned by the fact that his mind was running as fast a sludge? Most likely. But was he actually worried about his behavior? No.

A paperclip holding a file together was jabbing into his ankle and he made a weak effort to move, inching his foot onto a different file.

He'd stayed up for most of the night, putting together a board of evidence and theories, marking up a number of maps and scoping through the city database for potential candidates. The answer to the case was humming around in his head, it wasn't trying hard to hide, but Near wasn't looking for it.

He didn't want to look for it.

About an hour later, Near grew inexplicably hungry and forced himself to roll off his bed. It'd been a while since he ate anything substantial but he didn't exactly want substantial at the moment. Something nagged at him, robotically repeating 'consume consume consume' and Near didn't care why it was doing so. The mini-fridge in the corner had a few sodas in it, some snacks from the twenty four hour supermarket around the corner, and the half sandwich Near had refused to eat the day previous.

Near chose the sandwich first, picking it apart and eating it in miniature nibbles. When that was finished, he moved onto the snacks, shoveling small cakes, crackers and packaged sweets into his mouth. In the back of his mind, he knew he shouldn't be eating so much, but there was a numb sort of feeling in the pit of stomach and logic said to fill it.

So he did.

* * *

Halle didn't think she'd be getting grey hairs anytime soon, but given Near's recent behavior, it was looking more and more likely.

She'd just received a call from Rester saying that he'd woken up to find Near sleeping on the floor surrounded by soda cans and junk food wrappers. The kid had yet to wake and Rester hadn't tried to get him up because of the work he'd managed to complete before they all went to sleep last night.

"Something happen?" Gevanni asked.

They'd been out on the morning coffee and breakfast run when Rester called. Gevanni was in the passenger, waiting for Halle to return from the shop.

"Near passed out sometime this morning after eating the contents of the mini fridge," she said shortly, slamming the door of the car shut and shoving the drink holder into Gevanni's hands.

"What's going on with him, do you think?"

Halle kept her face composed but her white knuckled grip on the steering wheel and the jerky stops at red lights gave her away.

"Honestly?" she began, "I don't really know, I thought it was survivor's guilt, or maybe grief, but this is just ridiculous. He hardly knew Mello and Matt and it's unlikely he ever met the real L."

"Yeah, but-"

"There's no 'but' about it, Gevanni, Near has a reputation to uphold, Coil and Denueve have nearly dropped off the face of the Earth and people are starting to questions L's competence. Near needs to get his act together."

Rester was waiting for them in Near's room but held a hand up when he saw the murder in Halle's eyes.

"Let him rest a bit longer, the case isn't going anywhere and he actually made some good progress last night," he reasoned.

"I don't care how much progress he made last night, you and I both know that he could have solved this case in a day if it weren't for this problem of his."

Rester eased back on his defensive stance between the raging woman before him and the sleeping detective behind him. Otherwise, he remained a protective fortress, protecting Near. Halle did have a point however, she was right. Near could have solved this case easily, they could have had the perpetrator in custody already.

But there was something seriously wrong with Near.

After a few moments of icy standoff, Gevanni stepped in, setting the coffees on the table. He took one look at his coworkers and put himself between them.

"Let him sleep for a half hour more, he probably needs it," he said to Rester before turning to Halle, "then, we'll get him working again, okay?"

Rester nodded but Halle said nothing.

* * *

Near was being shaken, he was processing the motion but it took too much effort to open his eyes or say anything. However, his ability to hear was working just fine. Halle was muttering what sounded like curses and insults, Rester was gently but sternly telling him to wake up, and Gevanni was drinking something rather noisily, it was most likely coffee.

Suddenly, he was sitting up, shoulders scrunched up at his ears, arms forced somewhat in front of him. His weight wasn't totally held up by his own strength, he could feel the way that his knees barely grazed the carpet. His eyes fluttered open in surprise and it took him a moment to focus on the chilling amber glare that made him wake up completely.

"Near, you need to get to work," Rester said from behind Halle. He didn't sound at all convinced but he wasn't about to step in.

There was no way for Near to reply, so he didn't. Instead, he slumped, turning his body into dead weight. The sudden action somehow surprised Halle and she let go of his shoulders. Hitting the floor, Near decided it was comfortable enough, he could probably go back to sleep with little trouble.

As it were, Halle had other plans.

In a somewhat fluid motion, she pulled Near up into the air and deposited him into the rolling chair at the desk. Near had originally worked in the corner of the hotel room but it seemed that Halle had moved all of his work to the desk. She propped up his board and took the files form his bed, dropping them on his lap.

"Six hours, Near. I'm giving you six hours, if you haven't doubled your progress by then, I'm contacting the local force and telling them to take L off the case-"

A jarring ring from the telephone cut Halle off and she didn't seem too happy about it. Rester answered and Near felt a single pinprick of curiosity in his head.

Something akin to worry crossed Rester's face and his eyes darted over to Near. He put down the club and sighed.

"That was the police chief, they found two new victims."

"Two?" Near questioned. He looked back on his data, no, that wasn't right, there were never two victims.

"Yes, a man and his daughter, Hayden and Melissa Caraway."

The empty feeling in Near's stomach turned into a heavy one and he felt worry begin to spiral around his mind, growing and winding and choking. It was a coincidence right? Melissa was a common name, and it wasn't like he knew her last name, but it couldn't be that cheery little girl on the plane.

"Why weren't they reported missing?" Halle asked when she noticed Near was still processing the information.

"Melissa was apparently visiting her father, she lives with her mother, and apparently, Mr. Caraway lives a pretty secluded life, no one even noticed they were gone.

Near stumbled over to the laptop, he knew the police force would be emailing over reports at any minute. Unfortunately, due to the rather odd position he'd slept in, his knees were even more swollen than usual and he almost fell. Gevanni managed to catch him but Near reached for the computer immediately.

Under normal circumstance, Near wouldn't care about the victims, they were just people. But near wasn't normal as of late. Melissa was young, she was a child, she was kind to Near, played with him during their flight. The chances that she would be killed were miniscule, how could this have happened? Their killer only took adults, why a child all of a sudden?

A desperate part of his brain told him that it couldn't be Melissa. It had only been a day since they landed, there was no way the killer would have snatched her up already.

The picture finished loading and Near stared at the girl that couldn't possibly be Melissa.

But it was.

Her body was broken, a massive bruise spanned over the right side of her face, swelling her eye shut. She wore the same sweater that Near saw her in during the flight, but it was torn up, it almost appeared as if it had been picked apart thread by thread. Her pretty red hair was done up in a bun, chainless glasses were folded in her tiny hands.

She was wrapped up in a pink blanket.

"Near?" Halle must have taken note of the expression on Near's face.

All at once, Near felt his mind come back to him. Words and numbers swam around the room in front of him. More pictures were still uploading to the computer but Near pushed it away.

"Gevanni, go to the crime scene, take note of anything that the local force may have missed. Rester, talk with coroner, I want that report as soon as you can get it. Halle, I want you at the station, talk to the officers, interview the person who found their bodies. This is going to end today."


	6. Chapter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously though, I hate school. Anyways, it's almost one in the morning but I figured I'd get this posted while I had time. I have two more drafts for this story before it'll be moved to the back burner so I can get CaB all posted, there's twenty nine chapters i think. So, yeah, I think that's that.
> 
> Warning: Minor mentions of suicide

Near had read up on depression when he first began to suspect something was wrong with him. He assumed that he was having what some referred to as a 'low day'. He'd experienced the empty feeling before, but never on a scale like this. What made it worse was the fact that he knew that what he was feeling was irrational. He knew what he was feeling and he couldn't make it stop.

The almost void like feeling swirling inside him had started when he chose to call Melissa's mother to inform her of her daughter's death. It got worse when he watched the woman cry over Melissa's body in the morgue. He wanted nothing more than to talk to the woman in private, to tell her that he was truly sorry for her daughter's death, to tell her that he'd exacted revenge by catching the man responsible. But he couldn't. Because that empty feeling in his gut was spreading and he didn't want to talk to the mother of the happy little girl from the plane when he couldn't feel a thing.

Cain Charter, a recently divorced twenty nine year old, was found through a series of cross checks and profiles. Near found the man in six hours and had him in custody in an hour and twenty five minutes. Charter was an aesthetically pleasing man, pretty green eyes and longish blond hair, he was built nicely, a history of soccer and boxing would do that to one's body. But it was all too easy for Near to read the guy form the other side of the glass. Charter was cold, he had the look of a haughty god in his eyes. That look, it made a single flicker of anger ignite inside the emptiness that had consumed Near.

That look reminded him of Kira.

Charter was successfully put away and the case was closed. Near spent the remainder of his night back at the hotel, curled around a pillow with Bach's Prelude in C Major blaring through his earphones. His team knew that disturbing him would yield nothing so they wrapped up the case, handling media, the police force, and any remaining paperwork and documentation needed for the case.

When the sun rose, Near sent an email to Melissa's mother, her name was Tammy, stating that he would be paying for the funeral. He told Tammy that he had met Melissa on the plane, and that, if she didn't mind, he would very much like to attend.

She said yes.

Near found himself perched on a chair, a black dress jacket over black pajamas. The feeling in his stomach grew worse when he saw Tammy weeping, when he saw Melissa in her coffin, wearing a pretty blue dress, her hair tied up in pigtails. It wasn't fair, not fair at all for the little girl with a bright smile and an intelligent sparkle in her eyes.

"Um, excuse me?"

Most of the attendees had left already, Halle, Rester, and Gevanni stood several yards off, watching from afar. It was Tammy who had spoken, dressed all in black with her eyes tinged red.

"I just, uh, Melissa called me on her first night here, she mentioned you. I assume it was you, she said you had white hair and wore black pajamas. She said you gave her an action figure to play with and solved riddles with her.

"Yes," Near tried desperately to focus on Tammy but his mind drifted to the fact that if he'd only focused on the case, Melissa wouldn't be dead.

"I just wanted to say thank you, for catching that bastard and for putting Melissa at ease on the flight. She didn't want to fly alone, you know? It was her first time flying, she didn't like heights, wasn't too fond of people either, she was always quiet…"

Near only nodded.

* * *

The low day lasted a lot longer than Near had expected it to. Several days was a lot more than Near could handle, he felt as if he were slowly dying from the inside out. The numb feeling has spread until he felt he couldn't move at all. He lay in bed, beneath the covers with his playlist on a constant loop.

He could hear Halle arguing with Rester through the door, could hear Gevanni trying to keep the peace. He wanted to tell them to stop, to just go away somewhere, to stop coming into his room, to stop leaving food. To just stop.

But he couldn't.

It wasn't until his laptop died and his music stopped that Near managed to roll onto his other side to feel around for the power chord. Halle must have unplugged it when she came into his room last.

A pang in his stomach made him curl up. How long had he been in his room?

The last time the low hit him, he'd started eating like there was no tomorrow. But now? Even though he was obviously hungry, he had no desire to eat.

Was that in the book? He'd read the stupid text cover to cover. He couldn't remember it.

His door flew open and Halle came barging in.

"Near, you're eating right now, whether you like it or not."

She had a glass of milk, and a plate with chips and a sandwich. Rester and Gevanni were hovering worriedly in the doorway but Near only stared blankly at the woman with murder written on her face. Strangely, he didn't feel any sort of concern.

He didn't feel any sort of thing really.

Near rolled back over, blatantly ignoring Halle in a way that only managed to infuriate the woman.

"Halle, why don't you let me try?" Gevanni offered gently.

"Just make him eat all of it," she muttered, shoving the plate and cup into his hands.

Near felt the bed dip when Gevanni sat down but he still acknowledged nothing. He didn't have it in him to do so. He supposed he would have felt bad if he was himself. Even if he didn't act like it, the three of them were important to him. They stayed with him through the Kira case and put up with his nonsense.

And, though Halle was rather brash and abrupt with the way she went about it, she still cared.

Why did they all care anyhow? Why didn't they leave after the Kira case? They should have all left after the case, what were they still doing with him?

The sudden thoughts made him startle, Gevanni jumped at the movement.

"Near?"

"Do most people react like this?" Near whispered.

"Like what?" Gevanni asked, a mixture of worry and confusion slipping into his tone.

"Like this," Near couldn't clarify, the words were abuzz and he couldn't get them to form what he wanted. His thoughts refused to organize, they weren't coherent.

"Um, I'm not sure," Gevanni mumbled awkwardly.

There was silence for a few minutes before Gevanni cleared his throat.

"Do you think you could try to eat? So Halle doesn't get angry at me?"

Near recognized it as an attempt to lighten the mood, and while it certainly didn't help, Near appreciated the effort. As he was forcing himself to sit up, a pain flared up in his legs. For whatever reason, a pained gasp refused to leave his lips. Gevanni helped him sit properly and handed him the plate, setting the cup on the bedside table.

He probably would have found the sandwich appetizing on any other day, Rester was particularly handy in the kitchen, but today, the sandwich made Near's stomach churn uncomfortably. Regardless, he took it, holding it as though it was going to bit him, and shoved it into his mouth.

It tasted like ash.

Somehow, Near managed to eat the sandwich and almost choked drinking the milk, but he couldn't keep the chips down without feeling as though he'd vomit. Gevanni didn't mention the expression on Near's face and began eating the chips for him. They both knew that Halle wouldn't fall for it but Gevanni did it without prompting.

They left him alone after that, Gevanni plugged in his computer and the piano playlist started again, filling Near's rooms with pieces he'd memorized while still at Wammy's.

* * *

It was around eleven fifty-two when Near felt despair begin to bubble up to the surface of his mind. It was twelve thirty-seven when Near felt useless and inadequate. At one o' five, Near felt he was a complete failure. And at three nineteen, Near felt as though he wanted to die.

The thought shocked him enough that he fell off his bed.

He'd never wanted to die before, and it scared him.

Was that what Mello felt? Inadequate? Worthless? Had he ever felt so bad that he wanted to die? The image of Mello _wanting_ to die was something Near didn't think looked right. Mello was over confident, he was sure of himself in every aspect, even his half baked plots. Mello was full of life up until he wasn't and Near couldn't imagine, for one second, that Mello had ever wanted to die.

Shakily, he climbed back onto the bed and put his head in his hands. Almost instantaneously, the feelings went away and Near was back to being empty. He debated calling Gevanni, he knew the man would be at his beck and call. But he didn't have it in him to reach for his phone.

Instead, Near rolled onto his side, pulled the blanket up over his head, and tried to go to sleep.


	7. Chapter Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is gonna be the last chapter for a while, I re-read the draft I had for Chapter Eight and I didn't like it. So this story is officially going to be taking a break for a little bit and I'm going to get Chocolate's a Bitch up, because the story is complete, there are twenty nine chapters. If you've got questions, ask them!
> 
> Warning: Mentions of Suicide

"I just don't think that's a good idea, Halle," Gevanni pressed.

"Well, what do you suggest?" she snapped.

Rester was smart and stayed out of the woman's way. She'd been arguing with Gevanni for the past hour, all in hushed tones so that Near wouldn't hear them from his bedroom. After forcing him to eat breakfast earlier that morning, Halle put him on a scale and found that he was twenty pounds underweight. She knew it would be impossible to get Near to see a doctor so she figured she'd issue a notice to the world's police forces that L would be taking a break.

Gevanni didn't like that plan. He argued that Near would take it as failure on his part, tarnishing L's record with something like a break due to mental state, a personal failure because Mello would never have let it happen if he was L. But Rester knew that they didn't really have a choice. Near was getting worse and he wasn't letting them help. They couldn't take him to a therapist, Near would run circles around them, regardless of how down he was. Therapy would involve divulging that he was L, not to mention bringing up topics like Wammy's, and Mello and Matt.

Near couldn't even say their names to himself, let alone to a therapist.

" _We_ could talk to him," Gevanni said, "He trusts us, a little bit I think, you know he's not going to like this."

"I don't care if he doesn't like it. He's getting bad, Gevanni, really bad. There's no way that he'll be able to do a sufficient job as L when he's like this. Coil and Denueve don't exist anymore, Near hasn't solved a case for them in over a month. He just, he can't keep working when he's like this and until he gets better, he's not getting anywhere near a case."

"Is that all you're worried about?" Gevanni was beginning to get red in the face.

Halle stilled and ran a hand through her hair.

"No, but it's easier to talk about if I pretend that that's it."

That said, Halle picked up a laptop, her phone, and a voice adapter and left the room, slamming the door behind her.

Gevanni turned to Rester, worry and anger evident in his eyes.

"He'll get better Stephen, He's Near. He'll be back to himself in no time at all.

Gevanni nodded but it was clear that neither of them believed it.

* * *

Near knew something had happened when Gevanni entered his room with cookies.

He felt a little better, still tired, still empty but the thoughts of dying weren't so intrusive. Maybe the cinnamon oatmeal that Halle had forced down his throat early had helped.

Maybe.

"So, uh, Halle is worried," Gevanni said, sitting down on the bed, offering Near a cookie.

Near made an affirmative grunt, ignoring the cookie and rolling onto his back. His legs were hurting again.

"She decided to take matters in her own hands and, uh, she issued a statement to the world forces. She said that L would be taking a small break from solving cases."

No.

Near felt something akin to fragmentation. He felt his mind shatter and his heart felt as though it had been thrown into a trash compactor. A 'break from solving cases'. How could he have allowed that to happen? How could Halle do such a thing? How could she do that to him? The title of L was something that was meant to be the epitome of perfection. Nothing got in L's way. Not until Near came along with this chemically imbalanced brain and ruined it all. He was a horrible L, he was the worst, allowing this to happen.

How could he let this happen?

What would L think of him, if he were still alive? What would Mello think? Mello, who had fought tooth and nail for the title. Mello, who had given his life for the damn thing. What would he think about Near allowing it to happen?

They'd be so ashamed of him.

For the first time in years, Near felt himself begin to weep. Silently, but weeping all the same. Tears came down like waterfalls and he felt short of breath as his chest constricted. He forgot Gevanni was there with him. His sobbing picked up, he was beginning to hyperventilate. He couldn't breathe, he was sucking down air and nearly choking.

The worst part was that Near had no control. He knew crying was illogical. Tears were meant to prevent eyes from drying, excessive crying like this wasn't really beneficial. But he couldn't stop it. Year of being emotionally stunted, years of never crying had built up into this moment. This moment so full of failure and grief that Near couldn't stop the tears.

He'd seen Mello cry before. As boys, Mello cried when he got angry, it confused Near to end back then. Mello would get furious, he would begin to tear up before his face went red. Then tears would pour down his cheeks as he slung hateful words and screams.

Near had seen crying, but this was something else.

Gevanni seemed at a total loss, seeing his young employer cry so brokenly.

It was almost alien.

Not quite knowing what to do, Gevanni put down the cookie plate and got Near to sit up so he could pull him into a half awkward hug. Near didn't seem to mind, or notice really. He was too busy crying. Under any other circumstance, Gevanni wouldn't have hugged Near. The kid only permitted contact when he was getting piggybacked, or the past occasions when Halle had to get physical. But hugging, this was on another tier.

When the tears subsided, Near was a mess. His usually pale face was splotchy and red, his eyes were puffy and his hair was stuck to his face.

"Uh, let's get you cleaned up."

Gevanni carried him to the bathroom and got Near to splash some water on his face. Upon returning to the room, Gevanni got him a wet rag to hold to his eyes.

"The break won't be indefinite, I don't think. It's just a break. Halle thought it would be best if you stay with one of us for a month or so, just to relax, and get your mind away from the cases," Gevanni said when he was sure that Near wasn't going to go into another fit.

"Was the decision unanimous?"

"Rester didn't say much but I think we all agreed that Halle was right."

Near nodded slowly, dabbing his eyes with the rag. Part of him felt lighter, having cried for as long as he did, but that emptiness was still there. He knew that Halle was correct, but that didn't mean he liked it. How could he? L never bowed under pressure, he was almost certain that Mello wouldn't have either.

Did this make him like B? Or A, rather? So overwhelmed by the responsibilities of being L, overwhelmed to the point of a mental break? The similarities were uncanny. The faceless A who hung themselves rather than take over L's mantled.

Would he go out the same way?

"Halle said she'll help you pack when she's finished. You'll be staying with me, if you don't mind."

Near made a noncommittal noise and Gevanni took that as his cue to go. He left the cookies on the nightstand in case Near changed his mind.

* * *

Though each of them had their rooms at the base, they kept up payments on their own living spaces. Halle had a small house in the suburbs some states away, and both Rester and Gevanni had apartments.

Gevanni's home was comfortable, but it lacked the lived in feeling and seemed rather professional.

Halle had packed Near's clothes and his models, got him some new hygiene products and a case to keep them in before helping him down to Gevanni's car. L's 'break' also served as one for Halle and Rester. Halle mentioned that she would likely go to visit her sister, and maybe her mother if she was up to it. Rester was going to visit some army buddies of his before contacting his ex-wife to see if he could maybe get a weekend or two with his daughter.

Gevanni had no family to speak of and his rapport with Near made him the obvious choice for the stay.

"Halle suggested that maybe we could start off with activities you may have missed growing up, movies and the like."

Gevanni was fitting sheets over the bed in the spare room and Near was on the floor, messily folding his clothes so they could sit in the dresser.

"Alright," he mumbled.

They didn't really watch movies at Wammy's. They watched documentaries or instructional movies. Nothing like Disney or Pixar. As L, Near hadn't found any time to watch them, and he hadn't really seen the point in doing so.

"And later we can order takeout or something, it's been a while since I've lived here so we'll have to go grocery shopping tomorrow."

Near knew that Gevanni was trying to start conversation, he respected the effort but he didn't want to participate. Gevanni picked up on the fact and kept silent until the room was finished.

The rest of the night was spent burning through one DVD after another, and a surprising number of VHS tapes. Near found the movies quite entertaining, the Disney princesses were somewhat interesting, and he found The Jungle Book and Finding Nemo quite nice. He almost didn't notice when Gevanni handed him a takeout container of rice, curried potatoes, kothu roti and naan bread. When Gevanni suggested takeout, Near had thought Chinese, or maybe pizza, but Indian was a welcome surprise.

Gevanni nodded off sometime between Up and The Croods so Near continued his movie watching with him.

Though the feeling of failure was still heavy in Near's mind, he felt slightly at ease. His head didn't feel as if it would implode from all the data he was putting into it. His body didn't feel weighted from the choices of life or death. He felt an almost lethargic sense of peace.

However, he had the stunning sensation that it wouldn't last.


	8. Chapter Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally got my shit together, I am so sorry this has taken so long. I got CaB posted and I had every intention of getting this done right after but my brain is stupid and imbalanced and I just could not for the life of me work on this. But here we are! I've got two more chapters planned for this, thought it might extend to three or four, it just depends. Thank you all for being patient with me!
> 
> Warning: Dissociation

It took less than five seconds for Near to pick up on the news broadcast. Gevanni had gone grocery shopping again, Near wanted to go with him at first but his legs were feeling particularly painful and he refused to ride in the cart. So he stayed put. He could tell that the older man had been apprehensive about leaving him alone, but Near had waved off his concern and forced himself to eat a few bites of breakfast to put him at ease.

He'd settled himself beneath the table, fiddling with the small stereo that had been playing some orchestral arrangement only minutes ago. A little button the side caught his attention and he pushed it, moving the setting from 'CD' to 'RADIO'.

It had been a mistake.

Near lay frozen on the ground, eyes riveted to the wall as he listened to the talk show discuss L's sudden break.

_...calls into question the competency of the detective if..._

_...never made such an announcement before..._

_...entirely likely that L is dead..._

_...stepping down?_

_...hadn't taken many cases before the announcement and..._

_...entirely true that L's efficiency was on the decline..._

He'd done that. It was his fault people were beginning to criticize L. It was his fault that the reputation of the greatest detective in the entire world was now in ruins. How could he do that? How could he allow himself to fall so far as to do that?

Near felt sick.

That was how Gevanni found him a half hour later; huddled around the toilet bowl in the bathroom, having thrown up what little he'd eaten when the day began.

He was barely aware when the other man got him cleaned up, then brought him to his room and laid him down.

* * *

Near spent the next five days in a haze, not moving, not eating unless Gevanni forcibly shoved something down his throat. He slept for the most part, drifting in and out of reality, his brain hashing together bits and pieces from the Kira case and Wammy's, and the faint images he had from before everything. It wasn't pleasant by any means, but it was much better than the crushing weight of the nothing he endured when he was completely awake.

It was on the fifth day that Gevanni pulled Near out of bed and made him take a bath. In all honesty, he'd not expected Gevanni to actually take charge, it was such a Halle-like move that Near was a bit thrown. The bath water was just a hair on the side of too warm but Near didn't have the energy to say anything, instead fixing his attention on the parts of his body that were rapidly turning pink.

Near wasn't exactly adverse to nakedness, the human body was the human body after all, and even if he was self conscious about his image, he wouldn't have had the energy to care. Gevanni really only seemed troubled by the fact that Near really hadn't showered or bathed in little over five days. The first version of the plan was to have Near shower without aid, but then Gevanni figured Near wouldn't be able to stand, and even sitting, he'd probably zone out and drown himself.

So Near sat in the bathtub, his back to Gevanni as the older man scrubbed conditioner into his hair. He had to admit, being clean helped, but he still felt empty. He felt Gevanni's hand at the edge of his forehead, followed by water being poured over his hair. Gevanni didn't let any water run down his face, for that he was thankful.

When Gevanni deemed him clean, he drained the tub and got a towel around Near's shoulders. The days of inactivity had made his already finicky legs even more prone to locking up. His knees were swollen and his hips felt as though they'd been smashed with a hammer, but Gevanni refused to give him pain medication until he ate, and Near wasn't quite willing to do that yet.

He blinked and found himself in his room, dressed in his black pajamas, Gevanni seated on his bed in front of him. His attention was fixed on Near's hair, drying the slight curls until they were up to code.

Near watched quietly as Gevanni disappeared, then returned with a pair of nail clippers and a file. He sat down in front of Near once again and picked up his right hand, moving it about a few moments before settling and beginning to cut his nails. It was strange to watch, the gentle movements and precise work wouldn't have caught Near's attention any other time but he found himself wholly fixated on the action.

It kept his attention away from other things, like Mello and Matt and L and Kira and...Gevanni whispered an apology as he accidentally cut a little too close.

Once finished, Gevanni finally looked up at him, searching for something, Near figured it was the empty despair he'd displayed for the past five days. It was still there of course, Near could feel it hovering at the edge of his mind, pushing slowly closer, but for the time being, it wasn't too close to the forefront.

"Your knees looked pretty bad," Gevanni said, not fazed by Near's blank stare. That being said, he picked up the smaller man and carried him into the living room, setting him on the couch. Gevanni turned on the television and set up a movie, most likely more of background noise than anything else, before rummaging about in the hallway closet and the kitchen.

In his absence, Near's mind turned over and he drifted away. It was such a strange thing, being drained of motivation and energy. He was lethargic by choice for the most part, dysfunctional legs weren't really a help there either. Depression, what a strange notion. Had L ever been depressed? Had Mello? Near couldn't imagine it. There was still a childish bit of him that saw L as a superhero, incorruptible and inhuman. Mello seemed more likely, but if he ever was, it wasn't the same brand of depression as Near.

He didn't notice Gevanni until the man was seated beside him, shifting his legs so they were settled across his lap.

It was almost like watching through bubble glass. He saw Gevanni roll up his pant legs but felt nothing. His body went numb so he allowed it to fall back until he was laying down. Gevanni didn't seem to mind, he just readjusted Near's legs.

The sharp pressure of Gevanni's fingers against his kneecaps sparked Near back to proper association, the dull murk clearing from his eyes. It didn't hurt, per say, but it send a jolt up Near's legs. He could have sworn that he winced, but Gevanni didn't react.

He drifted off again, some time between Gevanni moving to his other leg and being asked if he felt all right to eat something.

* * *

It had taken a while for Linda to accept the fact that she'd acted rather childish. She had no right to blame Near, it really wasn't entirely his fault, but she'd needed a catalyst for her anger and Near had suited her purpose. She was still stubborn though, and hadn't called to apologize; perfectly content to continue with her life.

Her shop was doing well, and she'd grown extremely attached to the kids she taught. Linda had always liked kids, these kids were geniuses but not in the way that the kids at Wammy's had been. They were so innocent, Linda could never have imagined thinking up the same ideas as they did when she was their age. To her, that meant genius.

So, Linda was doing fine, she had a cat to stave off the loneliness, and had even made a small circle of friends who she legitimately enjoyed spending time with. She'd been doing so well, and hadn't expected her mood to plummet at a certain news broadcast.

She'd been preparing for a night of ice cream and a movie marathon after a long day spent organizing an art gallery opening. Every news station had been full of the same story. Two of Near's people, the blond man who looked like he'd never smiled in his life and the woman with the icy eyes, walked up to a podium and the man began speaking. Linda remembered them from when Near came for Mello and Matt's pseudo funeral. He was monotonous, almost in the way that Near was most days, as he delivered his message.

L was taking a break.

Linda had shut the television off immediately after the broadcast was over.

Near wasn't one to suddenly take a break. He and Mello were alike in that respect, neither being able to stop themselves unless they keeled over from exhaustion. Despite how Near appeared, Linda knew that he held the title of L in the highest regard. L was something that Near had quietly strived for, it was one of few things Near that undeniably important. More as a symbol than anything else. So it was unlikely that Near had agreed to the 'break' within his right mind.

Had something happened? Was he injured? No, even if he was hospitalized, he would still continue to work cases from his bed, most likely being stubborn and refusing pain medication so he could think clearly. Had he gone missing then? That wasn't likely either. His people kept close to him, and it wasn't like Near went out in public.

Linda refused to accept that he was dead. She might have been contacted if he was.

Seeing no other possibilities, Linda retrieved her laptop from her bedroom and powered it on. She wasn't quite ready to make amends with the other boy, she had her pride to care for after all. But she did need to know what happened. It couldn't have been serious, she liked to think that she would have been called. Near's people knew her, she suspected that Near had explained at least a little bit about her and their connection to each other.

While the computer powered up, Linda picked up her phone and sent out a quick mass email to the kids in her class; letting them know she'd be out for an extended amount of time but that she would let them know when classes were to resume again.

Linda was a pretty thorough girl, she'd had pictures taken of Near's people when they'd come to Wammy's to pick him up after the funeral. She may not be a hacker extraordinaire but she could run recognition programs and backtrack from there, she'd an excellent teacher after all. Even if he did wear orange goggles in doors.

While the program ran its course, Linda began packing. Whatever was up with Near, she planned to stick around long enough to make sure it was taken care of.


	9. Chapter Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo! I'm sorry for the wait, this chapter is a little longer to make up for that, there's an update posted on the tumblr blog that explains everything.
> 
> I'm projecting most likely two chapters, if not that then just one, for this story and then we're done! Linda's back! I think I've mentioned how much I love her in earlier chapters, but I'm gonna say it again; Linda is my favorite. I also subscribe to the headcanon that Gevanni is the kind of person to just have guns stashed all over his apartment, like there's two beneath the couch, one behind the cereal boxes, one under a side table, to the point that it seems comically excessive.
> 
> Anyways, I'll shut up now, so enjoy!

Near was in the middle of gluing together popsicle sticks when the doorbell rang. Gevanni's hand jumped to his hip, where his holster was, instead finding it empty as he had left it in his bedroom. He quickly left the table and pulled a gun from one of the kitchen drawers, carefully approaching the door.

It had been a quiet morning.

After Near's five day dissociation stint, and Gevanni's subsequent Halle like take over, he'd managed to pull together enough energy to join Gevanni on the balcony and people watch. Gevanni had kept a closer eye on him afterwards, made sure he ate, made sure to keep him doing _something_ even if that something was just letting Gevanni read to him.

They were at the kitchen table, Near was building world famous structures from popsicle sticks and craft glue and it was enough to keep him focused. But when the doorbell rang, it shattered his attention. He doubted that Gevanni was on personal terms with any of his neighbors. They didn't order packages, there was no repairs that needed to happen, there was no reason for anyone to be at the door.

Gevanni cast him a look and Near shrunk back in his chair.

It was likely that there really wasn't a problem. Maybe there were girl scouts int he area, or someone was looking for a lost pet. But there was always that paranoid part of his mind, the part that developed when he really started training to become L, that whispered to him that someone knew. It said that he'd been found out, that some Kira supporter was waiting on the other side of the door. He didn't want to see anyone else die, he'd already lived through Mello's mass murder of his SPK, he didn't want to see Gevanni go as well.

"That girl," Gevanni prompted quietly, looking into the peep hole, "the one from the funeral."

"What about her?" Near asked, immediately puzzled.

"She's standing on the other side of the door."

* * *

Linda was almost one hundred per cent sure she had the right apartment, and she could hear the faintest of shuffling on the other side of the door, but it wasn't opening. Huffing, she knocked again, hearing the noise spike just the slightest bit.

At last, the door opened.

It was Gevanni, despite the fact that the name on the apartment contract didn't match up, she knew it was one of Near's people. There was a gun at his side, she tried not to stare at it as he waved her inside.

"Linda," Near's monotonous voice sounded more tired than it was when she'd last heard him. He looked worse for wear to. The bags under his eyes were like the ones Mello had during their time at Wammy's, and he practically oozed fatigue. Most likely emotional, rather than physical if she had to guess.

"You took a break," she prompted, sitting down in one of the empty chairs without another word. She could hear Gevanni's flustered protest behind her but elected to ignore it.

Near stared back at her, eyes blank. She could see the faintest of twitches in his throat, like he was swallowing; he was probably also chewing on his cheek. But he didn't respond, only took a slow stuttering breath and remained quiet.

"You gonna make me figure it out?" she asked.

Near's eyes darted over to Gevanni and Linda turned to face the man. She watched his body language. He didn't seem all that impressive, but Near didn't seem to have an issue living with the man, so they were at least somewhat comfortable around each other. Gevanni's reaction when Linda arrived showed a protective side the man had towards Near, he was concerned about his boss' well-being, and Linda believed it was more to do with the fact that Near was Near, not just that Near was the boss.

His eyes darted behind her to Near, and the boy must have nodded because Gevanni opened his mouth to speak.

"Near's fallen into a series of severe depressive episodes. He's not been able to work, or function, properly. One of my coworkers suggested the break, so Near can recuperate without added stress."

"'Without added stress,'? He looks like a god damn corpse," Linda wasn't trying particularly hard to sound angry, it just came with the territory. She was only a year or so older but she'd been the mama bird of Wammy's House. Near had been a lonely kid, which was saying something given the conditions of the other children, and Linda hadn't exactly been friends with him, but she was friendly and inclusive. Despite her raw emotions at Mello and Matt's pseudo funeral, she'd never been anything less than kind.

"He's just come out of a five day period of dissociation."

Linda felt her jaw drop but she quickly shut her mouth, teeth clicking, and she turned to glance at Near before returning her attention to Gevanni.

"I'd like to talk him, alone."

"I w-"

"Look, sir, I'm very glad that Near has someone who cares about him as a person. But, as it is, I am the only one he could possibly talk to about this. Forget taking him to a shrink, forget sitting down and holding his hand, I'm the one with the shared life experience. Have I seen the gritty shit he's been up against since he took up L's title? No, you've got me there. But I grew up with this kid, and I grew with Mello and Matt as well, so tough luck."

Linda was still sitting down, Gevanni still standing, but her presence seemed to swell, drowning out the slightest of protests Gevanni might have had.

* * *

Near watched quietly as Linda pulls a sketchbook from the pack she'd been carrying. They were set up in his room, on his bed, the door wasn't locked but shut. Gevanni had backed down when Near nodded his head, but had helped him to his room and fixed Linda with a weary glance.

He'd not paid much attention to Linda when they last met up, he was focused on other things. Her dirty blond hair seemed to have grown darker, she wore it down instead of in pigtails like she had at Wammy's. She had a nice tan, that seemed to make her hazel eyes stand out more than they had before. She was certainly taller than Near, by a significant amount; she'd lost the majority of her baby fat, and her hands had developed calluses. There were tan lines on her temples, Near guessed glasses, and the hint of a scar that showed around the hemline of her sleeve whenever she moved.

"Not Mello's pajamas, an identical set?" she asked, sifting through a pencil pouch.

"Yes," he rasped.

Linda hummed her acknowledgment, selecting a pencil and digging an eraser out as well.

"There's a girl in one of my class, she always comes to class in pajamas, I've never seen her wear a pair of jeans in the entire time she's come. They're real cute too, pink hearts on the pants, and white hearts on the shirt."

Without the popsicle sticks to anchor his attention, Near focused on the way Linda's pencil glided across the paper. Her movements were precise, but light, the marks only just visible on the paper. His eyes followed dutifully, distracting his mind from falling too deep. He could hear her, his processing was a little off, but he got the part about the pajamas.

"Her name is Jamie, she's got a real talent for landscapes. She's probably one of my best kids. Well, her and Ryan. Those two are thick as thieves. Ryan's a cutie, likes wearing sundresses paired with boots. Always smiling, Ryan is, never frowns," Linda gave a contented sigh and smudged the corner of the paper with her thumb, "They're all pretty bummed out that I'm gone for a while, but it's worth it, I knew something was up the second I saw that broadcast. You wouldn't believe how long it took to find you, damn. For the record, at their funeral, I apologize for being so cold with you. I was angry and you were a convenient outlet, but please don't think I'm angry with you."

She put down her pencil and dug through her pouch for a pen, uncapping it with her teeth. It was quiet while she worked a little further, outline whatever it was she was working on.

"So, Mr. Ready to Shoot said depressive episodes and dissociation."

Near blinked slowly and took a moment to nod. Linda's put down her pencil and set aside her sketchbook. Without warning, she took his hand, turning it palm up. The touch sparked something, a heavy weight that shot up his arm and into his chest and felt the air leave his lungs. He could feel the calluses on her fingers as she brushed them over his palm. It pulled him further from the haze and the world swam a little more into focus.

"Near, just because I was number four, that didn't mean much. I'm just smart, I'm not a detective. I can work out the small stuff, and I've got some ideas, but I'm not going to know anything if you don't tell me, okay? Don't think I expect you to know everything either, because I don't. Depression is irrational, I know that, but you've also got a very good reason to be depressed, so talk, even if that's not the first thing you want to talk about."

Near licked his lips, he felt his fingers twitch in Linda's grip, and drew in a breath.

"I got to watch cartoons," he said at last.

"Which cartoons?" Linda asked.

"Movies, they were children's movies, but they were nice."

"I'm sure they were, which was your favorite?"

"I can't remember what it was called, it was about dinosaurs."

"Okay, what else?"

"I went out, shopping," Near coughed lightly as he worked his voice, "It was interesting."

"Really? Didn't think you'd be willing to go out," Linda said, tracing the lines of Near's palms. He only shrugged.

They lapsed into silence for a few minutes, Linda moved on to his other hand and Near was attempting to categorize the weight in his chest.

"I could have done something," he said at last. Linda looked up, knowing exactly what he was talking about. "L could have solved this faster than I had. If Mello had worked with me, we could have solved this, I could have protected him, and Matt."

"Near, Mello's a loose cannon, we knew that when we were growing up, he was reckless. Even if he had worked with you, he'd have probably found a reason to go out and do what he did. That's not on you, got that? And sure, L was pretty great, but he had his hands tied. I'm thinking there's something else bothering you though."

"I'm a failure," Near said simply.

Linda took both of his hands then, and he managed to look her in the eye.

"You are not a failure, Near. I can see why you might think that though. If I may; you think this depression somehow makes you lesser. You think you've ruined L's title. You think he would be disappointed in you, and that Mello would be to. I don't think you ever idolized L, but you thought him an amazing person, if for his intellect and ability, I get that, those are respectable traits. However, L was not perfect, no matter what his track record says. And Mello wouldn't be disappointed in you, if anything, I think he'd sympathize with you."

Linda's words were fuzzy, but Near understood, even if he didn't take them all to heart.

"Now, that being said, I realize that a little pep talk isn't going to help this. Depression is a god awful illness but I'm going to do whatever I can to make this easier for you. I'll be here for a week, I'm going to give you my personal number and email address, as well as my physical address. One of my friends from Wammy's is in the psychology field, I'm sure you remember her, you don't have to speak with her if you don't want to but I'll get you set up with a prescription. When I go, I want check ins every two or three days, I'll be calling Gevanni as well. Above all, I don't want you going anywhere near case files or news coverage of any sort, understand?"

Near nodded dumbly and Linda grinned.

"Right then, I'm going to talk with Mr. Ready to Shoot, you stay here."

Linda got up and left and Near rubbed at his eyes, unsure of what exactly just happened. His eyes drifted to her sketchbook and he hesitantly reached out to turn it towards him. Displayed on the page was Mello, curled up in the vague outlines of a chair with a book in his hands, and Matt, sprawled on his stomach with one of his handhelds. ' _For Near'_ was scribbled in the top corner.


End file.
